I wrote this for those interested in my spiritual journey, the walk of my personal faith, within Christianity, and upon the mysterious terrain. It is a testimony to the continuing Divine love affair within the heart. Perhaps it will be of service and bring warmth to your special, personal experience.
There can be a lot of voices telling you what to believe, how to believe..some helpful, some unhelpful. This is a small poetic documentation from my own journey of inner truth and organic faith. I believe we all have a unique light to shine and that we are not to be labelled, that it doesn’t matter which ‘group’ we belong to (as if we are still in the playground at school)…we are adults, we have our own way of seeing the world, and surely this should be supported and empowered, rather than critiqued as false, or odd. When I started speaking about my spiritual endeavours and changes in my life there was a real mix of support and, albeit loving, concern and effort to convince me otherwise. Why are we afraid of something new, perhaps controversial? Do we feel offended by it? My view on this has been to look immediately for the common ground..go there and set work on building in that sometimes tiny place right away. If the other so desires and cooperates with you, then you can begin to do something beautiful: create a bridge of connection, a sacred capacity to share different perspectives, a never seen before opportunity. I believe this is the point: relationship. We are not here on this earth to look the same and all believe exactly the same..but we can find harmony and union if we choose to see it and build. Then we are moving in alignment with the divine pattern in God. Trying to correct or convince each other in conflict doesn’t get us anywhere..but choosing to build relationship bridges on common ground, even if one believes the other has floors elsewhere, ignites the spirit of love, which, when shared, always returns us to our divine image when we walk hand in hand. In the light of war, which is sadly still happending on the face of our beloved planet, it’s really important for us to walk through our own fears and conflict which prevent us from crossing divides and gulfs. Everything going on out there is still mysteriously connected to what’s going on in here, in our heart. Rather than scaring us, this gives us incredible, divine sovereignty to make empowered choices for good, knowing that every action creates a powerful ripple for change. There is nothing to fear: we do not need to prove or argue anything to one another, we simply need to love as we love ourselves, through and through. And then our diverse opinions or beliefs mean less, and our commonality becomes love, which joins all together and transcends our differences, forming family. We are the agents of love! ❤️
We are all on a walk with God. Whether we call him her, her him, both, or without gender. Whether God is primarily Mother, Father, friend, or even foe to some.
It is our hand in hand, heart to heart connection with our pulse of life. Our heart question which moves us to the more. It is the outcry for love, for comfort and for safety.
For me this started out very insular, deep and expansive. In recent times I feel I am coming increasingly full circle, only more centred in my truth, within the spirals upon spirals of journeying. It was for me a painful longing at a young age, with the question: am I alone, and will you guide me? I remember a distinct moment like this, when I received a direct response instantaneously. There before my mind’s eye stood a lovely, happy sunflower, cheering me on. The radiance of the sunlight eminent from the bright dashing yellow, which shone out through my despair. Like a lightning bolt, this moment was enough for me to trust. As in a series of treasure hunts, I have noticed throughout life how the sunflower, and its various meanings/connections I can derive, have shot up to greet me. It is as if these moments are timeless, all found within the centre of my true origins.
The projections of devotion from my heart bound me to my christening Bible. And there I spent long nights riffling through. At my age I didn’t understand the way things were phrased, but what was nourishing me was the essence and spirit of the words, penetrating my heart. There was something holy and sacred beyond the words, as a doorway to a place I knew well, and felt the pangs of home sickness for. Have you ever read the Shack? I loved this. The loving imagery of God in the form of Mother, friend and spirit touched me deeply. I prayed simply, and hoped diligently in the guidance I looked out to receive. Sometimes I would spend mornings on the balcony overlooking the sunrise, with an Anglican day-to-day Bible guide, as I nurtured my desire for closeness with God. The connection was real, but my heart was heavy and I felt alone still.
I had some scenarios I needed to begin to walk through, some wounds to heal and experience. And sure enough, once I left home I was thrown right into the journey, free willingly, always. The first of these was Fatherlessness. Why hast thou abandoned me? I can’t say there isn’t a speck of this wound which is still healing, but I am glad to have had the opportunity to walk into the depths of this. I grew up without my father, aside from a few years as a toddler. Because I was strong, and wanted to support my mother, I wasn’t conscious of the pain. I quickly realised upon leaving home that I hungered after a structure of safety and acceptance. This is the Father. This is our masculine presence, through the form of God, because we contain him. I hadn’t learnt how to develop this in myself, so I walked through circumstances of pain to allow myself to be pushed further and further into desperation. Until, bam, I arrived. And so continued my spiral of maturing connection with my Father, and my own wild masculine within. It has often been through romantic relationships and devastating heartbreak that I have found the doorway to a healing stairwell. I am grateful for these, they are the choices we made for ourselves, to allow our expansion. Our heart is made to stretch and to be moulded anew. The place these scenarios brought me to was humility and divine dependence. I began to utter deeper words of longing, which I did not know were there. I became ever more consciously connected to the womb of Creation, the void of the heart of God whence we all come. When I had no options, when all seemed to have turned on its head, I lived on the ecstatic rapture of joy and love in God. My hunger and tears gently opened my heart’s ability to embrace a friendship with Jesus, the timeless shepherd, both a long-lost friend and new acquaintance. I had forgotten. And I had forgotten who I was too.
I began to perceive myself as mystically one with Christ, who showed me the oneness between all things, which was only possible because of love. I was compelled out to be the hands and feet of love to those in need, in the locality, overseas. I went to the women/men selling themselves on the street, to the disadvantaged, to the children, and to the homeless and war-ravaged. In the faces of these individuals I saw the face of God. I saw my own face too. I saw the invisible thread bringing us together in that moment, where all that mattered was to love from the very heart. As I loved, I also loved myself. It was out in the dirt of Africa’s Mozambique that I came increasingly face to face with my fears, paralleled with the face of the Father and Mother. The intense fear I walked through, my fear of death, led me to a new perspective on life. As I became increasingly freed, in turn I layed my life down at the feet of God. I wanted nothing but to be a flame of passionate burning love for all. The stories of missionaries of old rung in my ears, and I knew my life had significance in my devotion to loving service and adoration.
I was rigorous in my beliefs upon my return, such a bonfire of radical passion erupting as a volcano from within. I didn’t feel called to evangelise, because I had never found the words in the past. I felt called to love from my being. The words felt transient to me, as if they were only the cusp of something beyond, as a beckoning mystery. Upon relocating to London, which is where I find myself now some three and a half years later, was where I was initiated into another spiral of death and rebirth, one which I didn’t even know existed. I was what you might label ‘a missionary Christian’, as in: I was devoted to times of worship and prayer, meditating on scriptures, experiencing visions. I felt a fire within me pulling me further onwards. This fire is an all-consuming fire. I didn’t foresee that this fire was leading me towards myself. Rather than a distant missions field…a mere bedroom in a flat of South London.
It was from this poignant time onwards that I became more conscious of an unravelling of my life and reality as I knew it. The deeper goes the rabbit hole. I had adopted much doctrine and structure, that which I needed as I built my character, but I found was too bulky to bring into the mysterious depths I travelled into. Jesus stood before me and asked me to give up what I thought life looked like. My adopted beliefs from Christian doctrine, the structure which held me up and kept me ‘safe’…I began to see through it, as the relevance of these outward patterns/actions became no longer required for me. I felt utterly naked. Some days I would try to recreate the passionate daily Bible readings and prayer, only to fall heavily into slumber, with the gentle peace of ‘let go’. This happened over and over as parts of me wanted to resist. There is such safety in our repetitive behaviours, in the ways which we think are our highest good, in the ways we have been taught are right and good. I was relying on what someone else had told me was safety. My own needs for this structure no longer existed, it appeared I had outgrown that season of life. I did not want to accept it, for I did not understand. How could I be right with God and myself, if I do not submit and believe everything I read in the Bible, if I do not live out a missionary life as I had learnt, using familiar language, staying within what I knew? None of this was my own conscious initiative, as you can hopefully tell. It was a divine interweaving dance; as I painfully let go, I held tightly onto the hands of love. And this truly became all that my faith relied upon: pure relational love in my heart with God, as a child again. The state of un-knowing. Where, it appeared all I had been learning in my mind and belief systems, was being un-learnt. And all the emotional, relational abundance was overflowing from within my heart.
Since then, my mind has been blown, my heart stretched in multiple directions, my hopes drawn out unto eternity, my desperation beyond words…but: a peace. A peace which transcends all understanding. As I let go of what the world told me was reality, I began to receive pieces of a puzzle. From my depths of inner searching, for the path to God leads us inwards, I have been gifted with the resurgence of truth. Truth which goes beyond what is easily apparent, which is on the other side of words, felt, but not easily mentioned. As a whisper from the other side, echoing back your name, in a dreamlike state. It was in this, ethereal sort of fashion, that I began to reconnect with memories of before, from beyond my life now in this form, hidden in God. In this place there is no specific language for what is, there is no correct way of saying something, for it is communicated through the heart. We choose the words which best suit and are most appropriate in the moment. The words act as a container for the spirit, the essence. The spirit can take many forms…but those with eyes to see, and ears to hear, they can perceive the eternal language of the heart, the heart of Creation. We beat as one heart in this place. And we take our varied forms and expressions here in this world. The aspects and stories of myself, and hence of all of us together, that I began to remember (and continue to do so), totally changed me. Or, you might say, are returning me more into my true image. These are the story lines which I dare to write and share about these days; elements from ancient practices, ancient history, and a sacred lineage, a scarlet chord connecting this altogether.
As I walk this path I find an increasing mix of language, fluctuation and broadness within me: it is not that I abandoned the journey I made in Christianity, as some might say to me, but that I walked through the crux of the doorway within it and found who I truly am through Christ. Christianity, in my experience, serves as a doorway. Just as Jesus spoke about the Way. We walk the way presented to us, whether it be through an organised faith group, a religion or whatever it may be, and then we cross over. We reach the boundaries of limitation, and we simply hop over (albeit easier said than done!). And then, then is when the real journey begins. When we become face to face with ourselves, our fears, our all, and we gaze longingly into this mirror. The landscapes of this terrain take us where no man could, only the Divine hand can lead us. We walk the paths the mystics of old also walked, the way-showers, the ancient priests and priestesses. They remind us of who we are, and we see ourselves in their faces. We see the ancient in us, the scrolls of lives, the codices of lineage and sacred practices to reunite us, humanity, as one in the heart of God; fully masculine and feminine, God and Goddess. This requires a deep return to the ancient within us, where we left the codes of truth to rediscover. This is the place from which I live and breath now. It is exciting and fulfilling, whilst also a challenging experience. The highs of ecstasy in divine union can be paralleled with the hellish depths of self -reflection. It is where all apparent ‘darkness’ becomes transformed back into the radiant being that we are. We must go to these places and be open to coming face to face with who we are, if we are to return to our divine identity. Just like Jesus we can journey through this.
And so it is! Here is my overflow of a joyful, grateful heart for all that has been, with anticipation for all that will continue to flow. May we walk hand in hand, radiating peace and love across the earth from our heart…a healing light, restoring that which was, and recreating our future. I love you.